Wednesday, June 3, 2015

On acceptance

I haven't posted a blog in nearly two years. Why you might ask. Well I just haven't been ready to share what I wrote. The reasons why struck me today. I haven't fully accepted the new version of myself.

There's a period of time between the two surgeries that is odd, and then. Poof. Your all "normal" again, but your not. Not really. So for me posting all the things I have written about that journey while I am still coming to terms with it isn't really fair. I will post them because when you google to try and find out what recovery looks like. Everything you read makes it sound easy. That's a lie. It's not easy, and it's painful. I wish I had know what to expect, so I will hope that at some point sharing my story will help others, but this blog isn't about that.

This blog is about something much simpler than that. Acceptance.

It's a funny concept really. As I was standing with my arms around bobs crying my eyes out for a large number of reasons a few things struck me. First blaming people for the situations you are in gets you no where even if you can't take all the blame. Second just because someone thinks they did nothing wrong doesn't mean they didn't. Ignorance really is bliss sometimes. Third forgive them anyways, it makes it easier for you to keep moving forward. Four no matter what happens you have to accept the things that are happening to be able to move forward and change the things you can.

In some ways I have my five year plan pretty well mapped out but there's this huge unknown. Bobs. He will never be what I bought him to be and that's okay. It's frustrating. It isn't fair. There is nothing I could have done to change it.  That's life. I do not know what the future has in store for bobs only time will tell. I am not even going to say the future looks bright since I have no expectations for what that might look like. today I can say a few things that I am quite proud of. I have an amazing team of people that support me, bobs has literally had the absolute best care in the world, with the absolute best team working on his case, no matter what happens next I will have given him every opportunity for the best quality of life, and he is still cute cuddly and possibly the brattiest not pony pony I know. He might not be what I expected. But that's okay, today bobs reminded me that once you accept where you are you can look forward without the weight of how you got there. For now those will be small baby steps on a long road. Hopefully we will start to move forward, because I am done looking back.

Sitting in bed tonight I am thankful that I get to bring him home soon, feed him more mints, terrorize him with spray bottles, hear him in the barn at night, and for all the people who told me he's lucky to have found me, because while that's true. I'm lucky too.